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August 28, 2003

British Men

Tips for finding and dating European men also includes tips for getting rid of them. Take British men, for example (apologies in advance to Irish and Scotch Flea-readers):

British men are insanely loyal when it comes to their local football (soccer) team. British football lunatics make headlines for beating the hell out of everyone and everything. They get so into the game that they start fights whether their team wins or loses. It's a little crazy, but you can manipulate his weakness for football to get rid of him. Hopefully you won't get injured in the process.

Let's pretend, for example, that your British man is from Ipswich. An Ipswich man hates everything that has to do with their rival, the Norwich Canaries. Norwich's colors are yellow and green and they're sponsored by Coleman's mustard. The easiest way to get rid of him is to wear nothing but yellow and green. Within a day or two, he will start loathing you. His hatred may be a displaced subconscious thing or it may spawn from your refusal to change your clothes. If for some reason, he's completely oblivious to your wardrobe, paint yourself yellow and green and walk around with a stuffed canary on your shoulder and a jar of Coleman's in your purse. He'll be gone in no time.

British women would require a different strategy. I have a collection of Norwich Canary football paraphernalia due to the Norwich connection to the Family of the Flea. Hated rival Ipswich is the source of some hilarity. The humour inspired is not sophisticated:

A Ipswich fan was shopping in the local supermarket. He picked up a tin of soup for one, a small pizza and one pint of milk. He went to the check out to pay and the cashier. The girl on till asked "Are you single?"
"Yes, did you guess from the food?"
"No" She replied, "Your fing ugly"

Colman's Mustard is another matter. This is the mustard of my ancestors.

Posted by Ghost of a flea at August 28, 2003 11:20 AM