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June 28, 2006

Buzz marketing

Note to marketing firms: If you want me to write about your client's new cell phone or your client's "real" beer you should know I am radically open to payola offers. The catch is that you are going to have to offer me some, for example, cash. Hence the "payola" as in pay me. This as opposed to, say, treating me like I should be so honoured by the mere prospect of participating in a real live ad campaign for your client's product that I should call you at weird hours. Or that I should gleefully take an advance peak at your exciting new website and link to it with my "6" Google PageRank. For free.

Now that I think of it the other catch is that, knowing me as I do (and o how I do), I will in all probability mock you and your product or service. This as I announce to Flea-readers that you are paying me to talk about you and/or it. Hey, think of it as reverse buzz marketing! But if you want to me promote your product for free you can rely on only one thing: My being torn between naming and shaming you and my reluctance to inadvertently direct any traffic your client's way by doing so. For the moment, I shall have to content myself with making sly observations about your behaviour at an unspecified future date.

Hi Nicholas (Have we been introduced?),

I’ve noticed from your recent blog post on the Spitfire campaign (He scrolled a whole two days down the page! Wow, reader interest!), that your interests include (among other things) pretty much anything culture, Canada (and, for the next round of the World Cup at least, England) (And my sidebar too! And it's Engerland or nothing now the Dutch are out you "tosser" lol... that's English slang you can look up for yourself.), so we thought you might also be interested, when you’re not dancing (Oooh... topical! This is no ordinary computer generated spam!), to hear about what we’re sharing with other select Canadian bloggers (Select. You know, exclusive, like.).

We’ve been asked by BEER to help highlight to Canadians what it is that makes a “real” ------- (Brand buzzword deleted.) beer, and what others in the beer industry only claim to be “real”. We’re basically trying to set the record straight, and let Canadians know they’re being misled about something that many take seriously: beer (They make beer in Canada? This fellow obviously missed the England references.).

We’re inviting a few folks to take a sneak peak at a web site BEER will be launching in the next day or so. If you’re inclined, feel free to share this with your readers, and to rip the photos and images (A sneak peak? Me? No. Freaking. Way.). You can check it out at www.BEER.url (This solves all my content problems... something exciting to write about at last!).

We’d also like to provide you with news about some of the exclusive events coming up in your region. Let us know if you want to be on our list (This means I get free BEER right? I mean, that's totally implied. Or at least implode.).

We’re excited about being able to talk directly to Canadians, so don’t hesitate to give us your feedback (No need! I am going to forward this post direct to the company that hired you to spam me. "Cheers"!).

Cheers

Marketing Flak
Buzz Marketing, Inc.

Actually, that crack about Canadian beer is not quite fair. Steam Whistle is a Canadian beer brewed in Toronto according to the Bavarian purity act of 1516. It is as good a pilsener as I have had anywhere. In fact, I stopped going to my favourite bar after they dropped Steam Whistle as I realized I could not expose myself to the migraine inducing preservatives that go into most Canadian "beers." I cannot recommend Steam Whistle more highly to anyone in search of a real pilsener in the Toronto area and, for what it is worth, I am delighted to say so gratis. Though if Steam Whistle had sent me an email (other than they ones I receive from being subscribed to their mailing list) I would have been delighted to promote their product.

As for this supposed "real" ------- BEER? I am already left with a sour taste in my mouth; the sour taste of spam.

Aftertaste Update: I have sent the following brilliant marketing suggestion to the makers of BEER.

Dear BEER,

This is only email address I could spot on your website (you do not have my accurate age as it is none of your business) so I hope you will forward it to the appropriate person in your advertising or public relations department.

Yesterday, I received an email - several in fact - from Marketing Flak at Buzz Marketing, Inc. claiming to represent your products. Flak (we are on a first name basis) asked me to promote your products on my website, "Ghost of a flea." "The Flea" is an award winning arts blog attracting fifty-thousand unique readers a month and has a Google PageRank of "6" (your BEER corporate website has a less impressive "5" PageRank) and was recently cited by the CBC as one of Canada's top ten arts and entertainment blogs.

Here is the catch: Flak wanted me to promote your product without paying me to do so. I thought I would echo his marketing genius. Please feel free to visit my website, follow the "make a donation" button on the sidebar and deposit money into my PayPal account. I will not be doing any promotional writing about your product in return but, heck, you think I should work for you for nothing; it makes just as much sense to ask you to give me money for nothing.

"Cheers"

The Flea

Obey your thirst Update: England fans are reportedly drinking Germany dry (hat tip to the Armored Facilities Manager):

In Nuremberg, organisers revealed 70,000 England fans who flooded the city drank 1.2MILLION pints of beer - an average of 17 pints each. Astonished bar keeper Herrmann Murr said: "Never have I seen so many drink so much in such little time."

Engerland! Engerland!

Posted by Ghost of a flea at June 28, 2006 10:11 AM

Comments

I'm afraid we're at opposite ends of the spectrum regarding Steam Whistle. I find it has this weird petroleum-based industrial-lubricant aftertaste that is a little offputting. But to be fair I am not a lager / pilsener fan in the first place, I've all but disavowed them in favour of ales, specifically IPAs.

P.S. If the marketing flacks do not ante up to the Paypal jar, maybe you should consider trying to pry out reciprocal endorsements from BEER-related celebrities or invites to BEER-sponsored events, like an invite to their Rogers Centre SkyBox during the Toronto-Boston series in September.

Posted by: Chris Taylor [TypeKey Profile Page] at June 28, 2006 11:51 AM

This is an excellent idea! As long as I get to send high-handed demands for for free stuff and BEER does not expect me to do anything for them in return.

Posted by: Ghost of a flea [TypeKey Profile Page] at June 28, 2006 11:56 AM

I suffered from the same offer at A Good Beer Blog but Dr. Flea (Phd Comm's, Oxon (im.)) bested anything I could ever have written in response.

On the more important question, I have pondered the question of pilsner over at the beer blog and, while I find the work of Steam Whistle excellent, it is not my favorite style of beer for that intense steely hop thing that usually accompanies it. I would suggest Dr. Flea (MSc, Brewing, UC Davis (Im.)) try Stratford Brewing's pilsner which I understand is available at certain Queen Street taverns for something not so tooth-enamel-strippingly authentic to style.

I am, however, making inquires about kolsch, loverly German ale from Cologne, and am advised that a new brewer, Beau's in very eastern Ontario will unleash our own craft version this weekend but only Ottawa east.

For a very many ale, try Church-key Northumberland. It is what ale was like in the 1940s when last this nation was itself.

Posted by: Alan McLeod [TypeKey Profile Page] at June 28, 2006 12:21 PM