Ghost of a flea: Sec Whole Track

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June 24, 2005

Sec Whole Track

Radar Online samples the Scientology� "Sec Whole Track" questionnaire for expert E-meter operators (that's "electro-meter", or the even grander "electropsychometer", for those not living in year zero). But first, some background (via A Socialite's Life who comments on sixteen missing days in the life of Katie Holmes). How does Tom Cruise keep his cool?

With help from the Church of Scientology�s �SEC WHOLE TRACK� questionnaire, that�s how. The internal church document was developed by Scientology founder and onetime science fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard for use during �auditing� sessions�you know, the ones designed to identify your trapped �thetans.�

The �thetans,� or alien ghosts, were implanted in earth�s volcanoes 75 million years ago by the evil intergalactic ruler Xenu, until the nasty buggers escaped and invaded the bodies of each and every one of us. New recruits like Katie Holmes, or �preclears,� answer the questions while hooked up to an E-meter�a crude, polygraph-like contraption�as a Church-sanctioned auditor records the subject�s responses for further expensive inquiry.

I would link to an on-line version of the whole 343 word questionnaire but Google has removed a search result. At least the "whole track" term is expounded upon at this Scientology website. A vivid example of a whole track identity crisis offers a, ahem, clear picture of the problem.

On the one hand, we were supposed to cognite that we were this elite alien invader force. Now, I'm a little confused about whether we were the third invader force battling the fourth invaders or the fourth invaders battling the third invaders. Nobody ever talked about the first or second invaders; who the hell were they?

And what about this planet we were supposedly from, Helatrobus? Well, we learned that it was the planet between Mars and Jupiter which blew up in the sixth nuclear holocaust and is now the asteroid belt. But I'm confused about whether this was before or after we were shipped by Xenu in DC-9 spaceships to Teegeeack?

Update: The Flea's HR Rep informs me that Google "did not really cave". Yay, Google!

Update: Who is Xenu? Bwa ha ha! In future, anyone claiming I do not show tolerance for people of faith "round these parts" shall be directed to this leaflet for spiritual guidance. They may find Scientology's reported teachings on "homosexuality" all too familiar.

Update: I finally worked out what the "Sec" stands for. That would be "security" as in security check whole track. Be sure not to miss the (alleged) security check for children aged 6 through 12!

The auditor is looking for reactions from past lifes. If you ever caused a planet to dissappear or committed murder, the needle on the E-meter will show a reaction. Remember that the E-meter is a very crude lie detector. The idea is to prosess each question until the E-meter shows no reaction. Then you are Clear.

Posted by Ghost of a flea at June 24, 2005 09:42 AM

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